Holding Me Back
by momodavid
Summary: Tony thought he had it all figured out for once, but when the time comes to voice it something kept him from telling Jeanne. TIVA.
1. Chapter 1

Now I know that I said I would be doing one shots and this started off as one but has grown slightly. It will not be that long maybe 2-3 chapters…

_**Disclaimer: l do not own NCIS or its characters.**_

I thought I loved her. I really did but now I'm not so sure. If I love her then I shouldn't feel this way about anyone else. I'm not saying I love this other girl but I feel like there could be something there. But I love Jeanne right? Then why can't I keep my eyes off of Ziva? Besides I know Jeanne loves me, and I doubt Ziva feels anything close to that.

You can't think that way about love though. It's not logical, or so I've been told. If it were then I wouldn't feel his way toward my partner or my undercover girlfriend. Neither of those can really work out. All of these thoughts are streaming through my mind as I clutch a rock wall next to Jeanne, poised to say those three words. I can't do it though, so I just propel down and unhook myself. I know I'm going to pay for that, but I won't tell her something I'm not sure of yet. Luckily for me, my phone rings just then and I'm called back to work. My real work as an NCIS agent, not a film professor.

* * *

"Hello Zee-vah," I smile at my Israeli partner who sits across the gap, before plopping my backpack down and going to sit on the edge of her desk.

"Shalom," she nods and continues to type at her computer. I find myself staring at her as she makes these little faces of annoyance that I find adorable.

"Can I help you Tony?" she sighs while angrily spinning away from the computer to face me.

"No, but I can help you. What seems to be the problem?" I offer.

"Nothing… " She lies but I can always tell when she's lying. But before I can pry farther she stands and now we're face to face, are bodies inches from each other and my breathing hitches as she scoots her body around mine. That was the feeling that was holding me back. As my breathing returned to normal my boss Gibbs walks in and barks his famous line,

"Grab your gear, we have a dead body of a navy petty officer in Norfolk,"

Then tosses me the keys to the charger.

* * *

McGee ends up driving with Gibbs separately so Ziva and I are left alone.

"How was your Saturday morning, Ziva?" I glance over at my partner.

"It was going quite well I'd say," she smiles at me.

"Yeah? I'd say mine was going pretty good too," I shrug.

"DiNozzo," she says after a few minutes of silence.

"What?"

"I was wondering what you were doing tonight… We haven't had a movie night in forever and you seem like you need to talk to someone," she asks sincerely and even though I know I should be spending the night with Jeanne I find my head nodding and a yes spilling out of my mouth.

"Good, I can be at your house around 8 if we are dismissed by then,"

* * *

We easily finish up at Norfolk and head back to the Navy Yard around 0530. Once we drop off the evidence, Gibbs lets us off and I go to call Jeanne.

"Hello , I'm glad I caught you," I reply to her eager greeting.

"Why? What's up? "She laughs at my formal name calling.

"I have to cancel on our dinner tonight… Sorry but it was a pretty busy and stressful day and I think I'm going to retire early, in both meanings," I sigh into the phone. Half of that was true but I was positive she'd believe it all. I told her goodnight then hung up to make my way down to the parking garage. It was almost 0700 and I still had to pick a movie out and make us popcorn!

**Bad Tony! Lying is not nice. But what can he do… the whole relationship was a lie. (Except the love of course) More to come soon!**

**MOMO**


	2. Big Mistake

At exactly 8, Ziva knocks on my apartment door. I chuckle at her punctuality before letting her inside. She smiles at me and shakes a box of twizzlers in my face,

"I brought you a treat," she walks past me to the couch.

"Mmmm. See this is why you're my favorite partner!" I laugh as she punches my arm in mock offense.

"Alright now let's get this movie started. What are we watching tonight?" she asks curiously and grabs a few kernels of the popcorn.

"_Catch Me If You Can _with Leonardo di Caprio and Tom Hanks, real good one," I explain while leaning back and pressing the play button. It is a good movie but I've of course seen it so I sit back and watch her reactions mostly. I've never met a woman with such a range of expressions but you have to know her to really tell what they were. I was lucky enough to say I'd mastered almost all of them. Before too long though she notices my lack of attention and turns to face me,

"Tony, you seem distracted. What's in your mind?" she messes up the simple idiom.

"On your mind… but nothing. I'm just watching a movie with my partner," I shrug before I turn serious, "Do you ever wonder if this is normal?"

"If what is normal?" she raises an eyebrow.

"Us! Do you think that most partners spend movie nights at each others houses, sharing candy and popcorn?" I exclaim.

Her eyes go wide then scrunch up in thought, "No. I suppose it's not. But I do not believe we are simply partners," she explains.

"Then what are we?"

"Well… friends. Close friends, I would say," she has to pause and think at this one.

"I'm not so sure. Because being this close to a friend has never made my heart speed like you do. I can honestly say no friend has ever made me want to do this as much as you have," I breathe out while leaning in then suddenly her mouth is against mine and we're kissing passionately. The movie is totally forgotten behind us as I wrap my arms around her to drag her closer to me. Everything is totally oblivious to me except her body and her taste and her smell, at least until I hear a scream. We both break apart violently and Ziva whips her gun out from who knows where to point it at a girl. But this isn't some girl it's Jeanne. Her mouth is wide open in shock and fear now that a gun was pointed at her, but I push the gun down and murmur something about her being no threat.

"Tony. How could you? Who is this!" she shrieks at me as I step up to her. But I have no answers. How do you explain to someone you love that this was your partner, especially if she has no clue you have a partner since most professors wouldn't. But I'm not a professor and this wasn't just my partner. I hear Ziva stand up behind me and assume she's walking over though I don't hear it.

"Tony… Who is this woman? And why does she have a key to your apartment?" she whispers behind me obviously confused. I do not have time to answer that one because Jeanne steps around me her eyes flaring and begins to yell at Ziva,

"Who am I!? I'm Tony's girlfriend! The better question is who the hell are you?"

Ziva has never been one to back down to a screaming woman and only stands taller before she replies in a totally lat voice I know from interrogation,

"I am Tony's partner, Ziva David and I do not appreciate your yelling,"

"Oh well sorry if I'm upset to see my boyfriend making out with some sleazy tramp! Tony doesn't even have a partner!" Jeanne makes no attempt to lower her voice and I know what's coming before Ziva moves a muscle. Ziva takes one giant step forward and her nose almost touches Jeanne's, her eyes have fire in them and her voice goes into a low growl.

"I am not a tramp. This proves you do not know DiNozzo if he never mentioned his team at NCIS,"

"What are you talking about? This is Tony DiNardo the film professor," Jeanne's eyes widen in fear as she stumbles back.

"Obese chance! This is Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo of NCIS and I would know since I am Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David also of NCIS," Zi misses another idiom but the effect is still there. My cover was blown. It wasn't her fault though, I was the stupid one who invited her over and then proceeded to kiss her. Now both set of eyes were on me.

"Is this true Tony?" Jeanne whispers.

"Yes. I am whom Ziva says… She is my partner," I answer with a small nod.

"Why would you lie to me? Was any of this real? No. Obviously not or I wouldn't of walked in on this," she accuses, her eyes now turned to ice.

"NO! I do care about you! I wasn't supposed to but I do!" I hastily try to explain but it's too late. She's out the door. Turning around I'm faced with another woman but this one looks more hurt than angry.

"I do not know who that was but if what you said is true… Why would you kiss me?"

**This is definitely longer than I thought. Ugh. I can't stop though! 28 days left. (till NCIS premiere)**

**MOMO**


	3. Explanations

**Disclaimer:**_** Someone. Somewhere. Owns NCIS, but this person is not me.**_

I was wrong. I haven't mastered all her expressions yet. But I don't want to know this one. She looks so fragile and confused. Sometimes I can be so damn stupid.

"Sit down. I need to tell you everything," I motion towards the kitchen table.

"Do you remember how I have been going to the hospital a lot lately?" she nods in acknowledgement, "It wasn't about the plague. It was about a top secret assignment the director put me on,"

"How does this relate?" she shakes her head.

"Jeanne Benoit, that woman, was the assignment. I was to become close to her in order to get to her dad, an arms dealer who goes by la Grenouille," I continue.

"The Frog. I have heard of him," she murmurs.

"To her, I am a film professor by the name of Tony DiNardo," I sigh, "I was never supposed to fall in love with her," I confess.

"Oh Anthony… If you love her, why am I even here?" Ziva leans forward and stares deep into my eyes. I can see straight to her soul and I know she's doing the same.

"I. I don't know. Because when I went to tell her that I love her, it wouldn't come out," I stutter now," there was something holding me back but I had no clue what it was until this morning. I had a realization… It was you! It has always been you!" I exclaim trying to make her understand.

"You know it would have been much smarter to have just told her. You might have had a chance then, at a normal life," she smiles sadly, "With her it would be so much easier,"

"But I've never wanted easy. Well I did once, but that was before I realized that easy was boring," I object.

"I think it is time for me to go now. I have a lot to think of now… Bye Tony. I will see you Monday, yes?" she stands then exits quickly through the door, pausing for a second at the doorway but not turning around.

I need a drink. Now. I pull a beer out of the fridge, plop on the couch and automatically turn off the movie that was still playing. It would only remind me of all I had screwed up tonight. I don't even bother to turn on anything else but simply sit there and drown my sorrows the way I always do.

Sunday I don't wake up till almost noon and as soon as I do I feel like crap. I haven't had a hangover this bad since Kate died. The day goes by slowly and I eventually I build up the guts to call Jeanne. She deserves the same explanation I gave Zi last night. It wasn't till I actually called the hospital to have her paged did she answer me.

"What do you want, Tony! Or is it Anthony now?" she hissed into the phone.

"Jeanne, please! Just listen. You don't have to forgive me, I just need to tell you the truth," I beg.

"You have like 2 minutes till my next shift," she huffs but that's all I need.

"My name is Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo and I work for NCIS. I am undercover trying to get to a known arms dealer. La Grenouille, also known as your father. It wasn't all fake. I promise you. I really love you Jeanne!" I speedily explain.

"My father? What are you talking about!" she asks confused. "If it wasn't fake why did I walk in on that last night?" she then accuses.

"I can't explain it. You should talk to your dad about that part but do me a favor and not mention me? As for last night. I have no words. I can't say I regret it and I can't say I would do it again. All I know is that it was LAST night and not today," I try to get her to understand but I know it's futile.

"I have to go. My shifts starting," then she's gone.

**Hm. What do y'all thinks going to happen next? I don't want it to be too easy and unrealistic. Review!**

**MOMO**


	4. My Life

So so sorry for the delay but I went out of town for the Labor Day weekend…

_**Disclaimer: NCIS is not mine.**_

When Monday morning came around I made sure to get to work early enough to intercept Ziva before the others arrived. It is only 6:45 when the elevator dings and she struts into the office.

"Ziva. We need to talk," I fall into step beside her.

"I agree, Tony" she nods.

"Oh well good… I want to let you know that everything I said on Saturday night was completely true. I would never make something like that up, well I might of at one point but not anymore and never with you" I start the talk exactly as I planned it in my head. I know this is the only part I would get to control so I wanted it to be honest and good.

"I believe you… But I still do not like being anyone's part on the side," she bites back.

"It's piece but that's not what you were! Or are…" I correct her.

"No? What else would you call trying to have sex with a woman while in a relationship? Besides the obvious, cheating!" She actually has a point now. I was a cheater… All those years of girl after girl, I had never cheated even once but now when I have one I really care for I screw it up.

"You're right. I did. But you have to understand that is not who I am! I would only ever do that if it were like that night. If it was someone I really cared for, maybe even loved… I should have acted sooner so I'd have never been in the situation but it took Jeanne to realize that I was ready," I let my heart spill out standing in the middle of the bullpen looking into my partner's dazzling brown eyes and hoping that she might understand.

"Oh Tony… my ahuvi [AN- darling]" her eyes soften and I think she just might see it. Her hand comes up and wipes at my eyes, making me realize I had actually started to cry, and she caresses my cheek before saying another word.

"I care a lot about you Tony. So much so that I want you to try and fix things with your girl before we do anything else. I know that if she is the one it will work out and if she is not… Who knows?" she smiles sweetly then walks off in the direction of the bathroom. It takes a moment for my mind to comprehend what she said and by then McGee has arrived.

"Hey Tony! Why are you here so early? Why are your eyes red?" He waltzes in looking all cheery.

"Allergies," I quickly lie and try to put on a smile then sit down to start my work. Tim shrugs and begins too. Several minutes pass before Zi walks back in and though she avoids eye contact I know she had been crying. McGentle notices too and carefully asks what was wrong.

"Hm? Nothing McGee… I have uh allergies," she goes for the same ploy, which makes McGee's eyes narrow for a split second then move on,

"Oh. Same with Tony. Must be something pretty strong in the air,"

"Must be," I familiar grunt comes out of nowhere as Gibbs walks into the room.

"Since you are all here so early why don't we start on the actual case huh?" he offers in a not optional way.

"Of course boss! Petty Officer 2nd class Simon Grout was stationed at Norfolk under the command of Lieutenant Robert Henry. He received overall good marks and was suggested for a promotion next month by the lieutenant," I start then am interrupted by Ziva who continues the background but I don't hear what she or the rest are saying. All I can think about is her lips as they move. I remember how soft they were and then it hits me. Literally.

"DiNozzo! Pay attention," Gibbs orders then I notice that McGee was grabbing his stuff and I figure I'm with him.

The day is surprisingly fast and soon I'm sitting in my car outside of Jeanne's apartment waiting for her to get home. I have this sneaking suspicion that I wasn't just waiting for her, but also my future. That the rest of my life could rely on tonight…

**Hope that was worth the wait!**

**MOMO**


	5. Truly Amazing

So Wednesday's I will almost always post something. (If working on anything) Since I have late days on Thursdays and can stay up a bit later(:

It was getting close to midnight now and I was beginning to wonder if she had just got up and left the city when Jeanne showed up. I give her time to get inside before following suit.

"Man I just got here wasn't expecting you. Oh, it's you." Is the greeting I receive.

"Sorry to disappoint. I'm not the pizza delivery. But at least I don't expect a tip," I smile but she doesn't look amused.

"What are you doing here Tony? I thought it was pretty clear I wasn't interested," she snaps.

"I have to talk to you! You didn't exactly let me finish on the phone," I offer out.

"All I need to know is that you kissed your "partner". Oh and that you have a partner," she bites back and though I get it, I wish she wouldn't be quite so harsh.

"Come on Jeanne. You know I was doing my job, but I am telling the truth. I fell in love with you!" I'm pleading now.

"I don't know if I believe you… and I don't know that if it's true that it would change anything anyways," she slowly whispers in reply. I understand. Lots of couples who love each other are ruined by what I did. I can see in Jeanne's eyes that I don't have much of a chance even before she says,

"I'm leaving Tony. I'm going to work in Africa as a missionary doctor. I need to do this…"

"Oh… I. I understand," I stutter then step back.

"I guess this is goodbye then?"

"Yes. Goodbye Tony," she closes the door. Truthfully I didn't know what was going to happen when I came here but this is definitely not it. I am going to miss her… That I am certain of. When I get to my car, I just sit. Finally I grab my phone and call the second speed dial, Ziva.

"Tony? What's wrong? It's midnight!" she yawns.

"She's leaving. Going to Africa. Wanted a change of the weather I suppose,"

"Ah… I am sorry," she breathes out.

"For me? She's the one going to Africa. Real hot there," I sarcastically remark.

"Yes for you. I know you loved her. And now all you have is a violent, foreigner, who can't understand American idioms and has a horrible family history," she calmly replies as if what she said was completely normal.

"Oh? I didn't realize I had anyone," I chuckle.

"Well you might…"

"Can I come over now?" I ask.

"You may… We should talk in person," she seems hesitant.

"I'll be there in 15 minutes," then I hang up. I have no idea what's going to happen once I'm there. I know that it won't be simple. Nothing about that Israeli is ever simple. It could be a _Breakfast At Tiffany's _or a _Notorious _scene. Personally I'm hoping for the first. But I know Zi is no Holly.

All of this is bouncing through my mind. Films always pop up when things get tense or I get nervous. Ever since I was a child they have been my safety blanket. Not that I'd call them that to anyone.

I'm here. I park in my usual spot and look up in time to see her duck out of the window. Of course she was watching, I smirk to myself. The stairs give me time to think this over but she doesn't live on a very high floor. Suddenly I'm at her door poised to knock. But before I can she throws open the door and I have enough time to notice how she looks, sweatpants and a tank, before she wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me into a deep kiss. All my doubts are gone now. She is truly amazing.

**I know this was a kinda strange chapter. In the sentence structures that is, but I think this is how his mind would be running… Review!**

**MOMO**


	6. Life With Her

Thanks for all the reviews guys! I think this chapter will clear some of the questions up…

_**Disclaimer: Nope.**_

She's wrapped up in my arms laid out on her couch when the perfect silence is broken. I have to clear something up,

"You know that you are not my second choice, right?"

"Hm? I do not believe I am anyone's SECOND choice," she laughs.

"You know what I mean. I would of gave up on Jeanne this morning if you would of let me," I shake my head.

"I know. That is why I made you go. And I am very sorry but I glad she is leaving," she confesses.

"Well I'm glad you know,"

"Yeah like I would take you knowing you would always want someone else?" she turns to look me in the eyes.

"True. You'd never let that happen. Probably kill someone first, my ninja," I smirk but finish it with a peck to the lips to keep her from any snappy comebacks. She rolls her eyes then turns all the way around to straddle my lap.

"What should we do now?" she raises an eyebrow but the answer is obvious so I just smile and kiss her.

An hour later I finally realize it's almost 0200 and we have work in the morning.

"As much as I'd love to stay here all night I think I ought to get home," I reason then slide my jacket on. She walks me over to the door and leans on the frame as I exit.

"Thank you," I say.

"For what?"

"For being here. After all this time. And after all this drama…"

"I will always be here. What good is a partner if they don't have your six?" she smiles then shuts the door. I'm left chuckling alone in the hallway. If someone saw me they'd think I was a lovesick puppy, but maybe I am… Oh gosh I hope not. When I get home the exhaustion hits me and I sink into the warm bed. All I remember before I pass out is thinking that Ziva made me the happier than I can remember and if she lets me, I was going to enjoy the rest of my life with her.

**All that's left now is the epilogue! Shouldn't be long:) Really like how this turned out…**


	7. Holding Me Back Epilogue

Here's the epilogue:) oh and now down to 15 days till the premiere!

_**Disclaimer: Still got nada.**_

People stared. That was the best way to describe Tony and Ziva's relationship. Whether it was because when the two were together they often laughed a lot, or from the random bursts of physical intimacy in the middle of the streets… They couldn't help it! Everyone stared, even McGee and Abby the first time they went on a double date together. The thing is though, Tony and Ziva didn't seem to notice or if they did they didn't care. Usually they were too busy getting lost in each other, when Tony and Zi were together it was like the world disappeared and all that mattered was their love.

**Epilogues are short. Just quick paragraphs I make up to tie everything up in a little bow:) Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**MOMO**


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